Beginning of A Love Affair

It hadn’t gone exactly like he had planned it, JC thought when he awakened the next morning. He had been ready to give Sarah a taste of what it was like to have someone withhold emotion and just use your body. It hadn’t worked that way. Sarah had come to him full of humor and hunger – and he responded as he probably always would – he caved. Now, that she lay asleep curled against him so trustingly, he couldn’t regret it.

He had to rethink his entire scheme. Holding back his love was not going to teach her how to care. Only loving her fully and openly was going to show her it was all right to let go. He supposed she had some truly valid reasons not to trust; probably far too many people had let her down. He was going to have to prove himself, possibly over and over again – until she learned he was the one person she could put her faith in.

“I hear some Japanese women sleep on hard little pillows filled with bran to keep from getting wrinkles,” Sarah said in a sleep-husky voice full of dry humor. “You qualify as hard but not little.” She had awakened with her head on his shoulder. It was rather nice to wake up with someone’s arm around you. It made her feel strangely safe.

“Morning, Sarah,” JC murmured, his tone amused.

She lifted her head to meet his blue gaze. “Morning, JC.”

He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “How do you feel this morning?”

Stretching a little, she turned to prop her chin on his chest so she could look at him more fully. “Like I got a lot of exercise last night.”

“That a good thing or a bad thing?”

“Mostly good.” She reached up to trace his full lips with an idyll finger. “How about you?”

“I feel like God has given me a second chance with you,” he told her truthfully.

“Why you’d want it, only He knows.”

“I care about you, Sarah.”

“I know. It amazes me.” She leaned up to kiss him softly. There was no blatant sexual intent in her kiss.

And that heartened him. As did she the fact, she hadn’t commented on his morning erection. “So, what are today’s plans?” he asked.

“I never plan anything the day after a party,” she said blithely. “If I stay up too late, I never get anything accomplished anyway. How about you?”

“I thought I might do some stuff in the studio.”

“Then I guess, I’ll go home.”

JC shook his head. “My home studio, Sarah.”

“Still if you’re busy…”

“I want you here, baby.” He brushed her cheek with light fingertips. “Please? I won’t neglect you.”

“Well, you could drop me off at my house and let me change clothes. I can come back a little later.”

“Would you?”

“Trust me, JC.”

Trust her? Maybe if he showed her some trust, she would learn to trust him. “Okay.”

She sat up on her heels, gloriously naked and unashamed. “So, what would you like for breakfast?”

“Besides you?”

“Not on the menu this morning. What else?”

“What are you capable of?”

“This may surprise you, Mr. Chasez, but I happen to be an excellent cook.”

“Then whatever you make with whatever is in the kitchen will be wonderful.”

“Is that your way of telling me the cupboards are bare?”

“Pretty much. I order in a lot.”

“Well, I guess, I’d better investigate.” She hopped off the bed. “Tee-shirts?”

He preferred her naked. “Second drawer in the dresser.”

Sarah rummaged through an assortment of tank-tops and loud tee-shirts before finding one she would wear. She chose a black one with ‘Rock Star’ emblazoned across the front and pulled it over her head. “Covers more than my dress,” she mused.

“Amen to that,” he grunted, leaning up on one elbow.

“You didn’t like my dress?”

“Like Joey said, you looked like sin walking.”

She grinned. “That’s what I intended.” She shrugged. “It was supposed to turn you off.”

“It didn’t.”

“Um – yeah – I kinda noticed.” Her grin was mischievous.

Sarah was a delight when she let her guard down, JC decided. Impish. Sweet. It was almost as if she let the little girl inside her loose. This was he way he wanted to see her most of the time.

“What?” she asked when he continued to smile at her.

“Just you, baby,” he sighed happily.

Sarah went to sit beside him. She lowered her head and immediately, his mouth reached for hers. She moaned softly as he pulled her down on top of him. This time she could not ignore the hard, hot length of him. “JC, do you really want breakfast now?”

“Later,” he murmured as his lips slid down her throat.

“Okay.”

Again JC had the feeling of panic when he dropped Sarah off at her beach house. Once he backed out of her drive, would he have to pursue her to get her back into his arms?

Sarah read the unsettled look in his eyes. “What do you want me to make for dinner?” she asked.

“Dinner?”

“You know, the evening meal.”

He chuckled. “I know what dinner is, baby.”

“Well?”

Breakfast had been wonderful. “Whatever you want to make.”

She winked at him. “You?”

“How about for dessert?”

“You got yourself a deal, Mr. Chasez,” she whispered against his lips. “Be in the studio long?” God this was terrible, so unlike her! She didn’t want to let him out of her sight anymore than he wanted her out of his!

“Just let me know when you get back.” With every word, their lips touched. It was a sweet parting.

“How will I get in?”

“I’ll give you a key.”

Sarah kissed his upper lip then his lower. “Are we really that far along?”

“Oh, yeah…” He claimed the kiss she offered. “Sarah—“

She abruptly climbed out of the car. All this sweetness was making her feel too vulnerable. She needed some distance.

JC followed her up her steps to the deck and took her arm to bring her against him. “Promise me, Sarah. You’ll be back for dinner. I think you’re someone who keeps promises.”

“I do.”

“Then promise me you’ll be back at my house for dinner tonight. I don’t expect you to make it. I just want you there.”

“JC, maybe we should just—“

“No, Sarah. This is a start. Not an end.”

Sarah touched his cheek. “Baby, if you were smart, you’d let it go.”

“Then I’m not smart. I won’t let you go.” He dug a key out of his jeans pocket and pressed it into her hand. “I’ll see you later.” With a soft kiss, he left her standing there. At his car, he turned and called, “Do you promise, Sarah?”

“I promise.”

That was good enough for him. With a jaunty wave, he got in and drove away.

JC didn’t know why he bothered to stay in the studio. He wasn’t getting a lot accomplished. He wanted to pretend he was confident Sarah would return. She was still fighting so hard not to care. He had seen her soft, caring side full of teasing and sweetness. That was the very essence of Sarah. Not the face she showed the world. Whoever had done that to her should be made to pay – Instead it was JC who was paying the price for someone else’s mistreatment of her.

Those moments before she left the car, talking softly with their lips touching – those were some damn fine moments. In fact the entire morning had been nearly perfect. She had walked around in his shirt all morning. After slow, fabulous love making she had made breakfast and they had eaten together like a couple starting their day. Lovemaking…It seemed like when he took control, it felt more like love. When Sarah had the reins, she seemed to be able to distance herself, separating herself from an act that was intimacy itself! It was a damned poor talent.

JC was so intent on his thoughts, he didn’t realize he had company until soft arms came around his neck from behind. He closed his eyes to savory her haunting scent. “Hey, baby,” he murmured.

“Miss me?”

“Yeah.”

“The how come you didn’t greet me at the door?”

He snorted inelegantly. “Like a poor, pathetic puppy?”

Sarah nipped his ear, then slowly slid her lips down the particularly sensitive cord of his neck. She felt the tremor in him. “Get much done?”

“Not much.”

“Then you should have called. I wanted to give you some time without interruption.”

Taking her hand, he walked her around in front of him. He pulled her down, astride his thighs. “I would have rather had you here interrupting the hell out of me.” She still wore his shirt though she had added snug jeans and sandals to the outfit. Somehow, that made him felt good, connected. He stroked her silky hair, tucking it behind her ears, just wanting to touch her. She had come back – he hadn’t had to chase her down. The day kept getting better. “But I wanted to give you some space.”

Sarah leaned in, her lips brushing his cheek as she spoke. “What I really want is something only you have ever given me,” she said softly.

“What’s that, baby? You know I’ll do it for you.”

Rubbing his nose with hers, she smiled. “Yeah and I find it pretty amazing. No ‘what is it?’.” Just ‘tell me and I’ll do it’.”

“Sarah, you mean the world to me.” He cupped her face to end her teasing and brought her mouth to his. “Tell me and I’ll do it.”

“Make love to me with your mouth, JC, like you did that day. It felt so wonderful and I’ve been thinking it was probably all romantic fancy that I built up in my head.”

“Oh, Sarah, it wasn’t. It was me loving you with everything I have in me.”

She dragged her lips down his throat. “Then do it to me again, JC.”

He rose from the chair, leaving her to wrap her legs around his waist. “We need a bed for this,” he told her as they left the studio.

“We didn’t have one last time.”

“Well, you deserve the full treatment this time, sweet thing.”

“I thought you were pretty thorough the first time,” she mused as he headed up the stairs.

“I was, but we’ll do it horizontal this time.”

Reaching his bedroom, he placed her on the bed, following her down. “Sarah…”

“Too many clothes,” she murmured against his mouth.

“Patience, Sarah.”

“I’m not very good at that.”

“I know.”

“I’m more into ripping our clothes off and getting to it.”

JC chuckled. “I know that, too.” He pressed soft kisses along her neck. “That’s why sometimes, I have to slow you down, baby.”

“And sometimes, I need to speed you up.” She raised a knee into his rapidly hardening crotch.

“Do that and you won’t be getting what you’re wanting.”

She smiled, trailing her fingers along his jaw, around his ear and down his neck. “Can I help it if you’re so easy?”

“You could help it, if you wouldn’t do those things to me.”

“Is it my fault I find you hard to resist?”

His smile was genuinely surprised and pleased. “You do?” he asked. “Then why do you fight me so hard?”

“Habit. A strong self-defense mechanism. The desire not to leave myself open for people to hurt me.”

“I’m not like that, Sarah. I want you to know that. I’ll prove it whenever you let me.”

She bristled. He was challenging her belief system again. Damn him. “I thought you brought me up here to use your mouth in another way besides talking,” she accused coldly.

JC sighed unhappily and rolled away. His sweet Sarah was gone for the moment. He wondered if she’d always be a struggle. Would he be able to win her trust, her love? Or would she wear him down and make him as bitter as she was? “I’m going back to the studio.” He swung off the bed.

Sarah felt suddenly terrible. It wasn’t JC’s fault she no longer had the ability to open up to love the way he wanted her to. “JC, I think I should leave and not come back. I don’t want to hurt you and I will.” She scooted off the bed. “I’ll send your shirt back by messenger.”

“Fine. Whatever,” he grumbled. At the moment, he wanted to be through with the torture of wanting to love her when she didn’t have a clue what love meant.

They met at the bedroom door. JC was in an agony of doubt. Could he simply give up on Sarah and never know what he could have had with her?

“Sarah, is this what you really want? Do you want to walk away from me?”

“JC, if I stay, I’ll keep on hurting you.”

“Nobody’ll love you like I do.”

“No one has ever loved me, JC.”

“You won’t let anybody love you, Sarah.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know how – and you don’t want to devote your precious time showing me.

“Maybe I do.”

She shook her head again and reached up to kiss him softly. “No, baby, you don’t. You’ll end up hating me, because I’m too much work.”

JC didn’t let her pull away, hooking a hand behind her neck. “God, Sarah, try. Please, just try for me.”

“If I’d try for anyone, I’d be you, JC. No one has ever gone through what you already have.”

“Then give me some time.”

“JC—“

“I’m sorry I got hot-headed—“

“I’m frustrating. I know I am—“

“And you’ve got so much to give, baby. Loads of love.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“I’ve got two weeks, Sarah. Give me two weeks.”

“Two weeks?”

“Yeah, then I’ll be on the road pretty much constantly for a while.”

“You want me here for two weeks?”

“It’d be nice, but, no. We can trade off. Give me a few days here, then we’ll go to your place.”

“JC, this is nuts.”

“No. Nuts is not evening trying. Try for me, baby. I love you.”

Her head jerked up so fast, she nearly clipped his chin. “No!” she insisted.

“It’s not negotiable, Sarah. It just is.”

“You can’t—“

“I can. You see, I recognize love when it comes along, baby.”

Large tears welled up in her eyes. “How could you do this to me!" She pushed past him, running down the stairs and out of the house.

“Sarah!” he called after her.

JC found her sitting on the hood of her car, sobbing like a lost child. Sliding her down the front, he brought her into his arms. She was so tiny, yet so prickly. Like a rose, beautiful but beware the thorns.

“I can’t do this, JC.”

“Yes, you can.”

“You’re asking for something I can’t give.”

“I’m asking you to try.”

“But you’ll want the same from me – and I can’t.”

“I’d like to hear the words, I won’t lie. But I know if I finally do, it’ll be because you are convinced they’re true – and that would be so sweet.”

“I don’t want to hurt you—“

“Then don’t walk away from me, Sarah.”

“You’re asking too much.”

“Just what you can.”

“How long will that satisfy you?”

“I’m asking for two weeks.”

“JC—“

“This morning, you were letting me in. I wasn’t just a fuck. You knew it. I knew it. Your guard was down and you were my sweet, sweet Sarah.”

“When my guard is down—“

“I won’t hurt you, Sarah.”

“You will.”

“You just want the sex? I can’t do that. My heart gets involved.” He released her. “I want you -- badly. But just like you, I don’t want to keep getting hurt -- not for sex. Thing is I’m not a coward. I know loving someone is risking pain. And I’ll do it – for love.” He turned to go. “Just think about what a bitter, lonely old lady you’ll be.”

He’d made her angry and defensive, JC realized. No one had dared confront Sarah like that. He’d almost bet no one had forced her face her fears before – or called her a coward. They other guys had used her beautiful little body for sex, none of them had asked for anything more of her – he had. He required more.

Sarah slumped back onto the hood. No man had ever asked more. Why did JC? “Because he can give more,” a little voice whispered from her heart. He wanted give more.

“I love you,” he had said.

The three most terrifying words she had ever heard. Oh, she had heard them before. But JC had said then with simple honesty – and it hadn’t had been in the heat of passion – or to get her into bed.

How could it be he was so much more open?

JC was in his studio, fiddling with a soundboard when Sarah entered. ”Can I ask some questions?” she asked his back.

JC spun around, surprised by her voice. “I thought you’d gone.”

“Well, can I?”

He leaned back against the console. “Ask away.”

“What kind of family life do you have – did you have as a kid?”

“I’m very close to my family – always have been.”

“That explains a lot.”

“Explains what?”

“I’m asking the questions here.”

JC locked his jaw on his rebuttal. He knew next to nothing about Sarah – except men had used her badly.

“Are you willing to put up with these arguments on a fair regularly basis?”

Was he? For Sarah? “I can’t promise for how long, Sarah. I think you can grind a man down.”

“That’s honest enough.”

“Sarah, I don’t wanna fight with you—“

She came over to touch his face. “I know, baby, but you’ve gotta know that’s the way it’s gonna be. I’m not used to closeness.”

He took her hand to press a kiss in her palm. “I’ll teach you.”

“But it won’t be easy. I don’t trust and since you are big on honesty…I wouldn’t know what love is if it slapped me in the face.”

Wrapping a hand around the back of her neck to pull her against him, he lowered his mouth to hers. “I’ll teach you by example.”

“Two weeks?” Her insides quaked at the mere thought of the step she was taking.

“Two weeks of together time, then we’ll have to work out a schedule.”

“I can’t make any promises, JC. I’ll try.”

“That’s great, baby.”

His sunny smile warmed places inside her she hadn’t known were there – let alone cold. “I’m scared,” she admitted.

“That’s okay, Sarah. I’ll be brave enough for both of us.”

Her arms went around him and she laid her head on his chest, closing her eyes. Words like safe, warm and caring. Those were words she associated with JC. She hoped neither of them would be too badly damaged by this.

JC wrapped his arms tightly about her trembling body. He could guess what a tremendous leap of faith Sarah had just taken – and he could well imagine giving over to someone else wasn’t particularly easy for her. Nuzzling her hair, he whispered, “You’re mine now, Sarah. I’ll take care of you.”