Book Three: A Final Good-bye

Dealing With It

“Mister Chasez,” Doctor Grant motioned JC out of Melissa’s room later that evening.

Nodding, he gave his sleeping wife’s hair one last final stroke. It wasn’t good news; JC could read the grim look on the doctor’s face.

Doctor Grant escorted him to an empty lounge and urged him to sit down. “Would you like some coffee?”

“No, ma’am.”

Taking the chair across from him, the older woman sighed. “I’ve been delivering news about loved ones for years—“

“It’s bad,” he surmised.

“I’m sorry, Mister Chasez. It’s very bad.”

“She’s gonna be okay, right? You can treat it.”

“Our treatment options are rather limited due to her pregnancy.”

“Terminate the pregnancy.”

“Surely you know that Melissa won’t do that.”

“I’ll talk to her.”

“Mister Chasez, even with the most aggressive treatment her chances for any sort of recovery is slim at the very best.”

The doctor rose and went to a light panel on the far wall. She flipped a switch to illuminate the panel, revealing what appeared to be X-rays at first glance.

JC stood beside her, not really knowing what he was looking at.

“Melissa’s MRI’s.” She pointed to several dark masses. “She has a brainstem tumor – and by the looks of it; it’s been around for a while.”

“How long’s a while?”

She shrugged. “It’s hard to tell. All I can say is that Melissa must have a tremendous tolerance for pain. It has been spreading.”

“You can operate.”

“Brainstem tumors are for the most part, inoperable due to the delicate area. It connects the brain to the spinal cord. Too many things can go wrong quickly.”

JC could barely take in what he had just been told. Looking at the films, he could see the dark, irregular shapes. These were pictures of Melissa’s brain and those menacing blobs were the enemy. “She’s dying?” he whispered.

“Yes, I see no way to prevent it. The tumor has metastasized quite aggressively. I would say her sight and hearing may be affected soon.”

“She’ll be deaf and blind?”

“It’s a real possibility.” What the doctor did not add was ‘if she lived that long’.

It was too much for JC to take in. “The baby?”

“Melissa has already said the baby is priority one. She said if anything happens, she wants us to do what we must to insure the baby’s survival.”

“I want Melissa, not the baby.”

Doctor Grant dropped the façade of professionalism to squeeze his hand. “I’m sorry, Mister Chasez. It wasn’t your decision to make. Melissa is very clear about her wishes. The papers are signed.”

“I don’t have a say?”

“Not unless you want to have her declared incompetent. I doubt she’d survive a court battle.”

“I wouldn’t do that to her.” Then he added the question he dreaded. “How long?”

“It’s hard to say. She’s a fighter. Weeks. A few months at the outside, would be my guess.”

“That’s not enough time.”

“I’d give you two a lifetime, if I had the power.” The devotion she had seen between the young couple broke her heart. The husband was in for an uphill battle without his wife.

JC simply nodded, numb.

“She did ask that we perform an ultrasound. She wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl.”

He didn’t particularly care.

“You are having a little girl.”

“When can I take Melissa home?”

“Tomorrow she might be better able to handle the ride. She seems very tired tonight.”

JC nodded again. “I’m going back to her room.”

Melissa woke when JC climbed on to the bed beside hers. “Hey, handsome.”

“Hey, beautiful.”

“You talked to Doctor Grant.” She could tell by his shell-shocked and solemn expression. Scooting as far as she could against the far bedrail, she patted the mattress beside her. “Come over here, baby. We’ll pretend we’re seventeen again.”

JC moved onto her bed. “Those were some damn fine memories.”

“Yes, they were – us and that little bed.”

“I wish we were seventeen again.” He touched her hair. “I wouldn’t have let you go, Mel. I would have held on to you so tight—“

“Josh, please, don’t punish yourself. No one knows the future.”

“I should have done everything to be with you.”

“No! Look what you’ve accomplished!”

“It’s not enough to make up for having to lose you.”

Melissa took his hand and placed it on her large tummy. “You’ll have our baby.”

“I want you, Melly.”

“I’m sorry, Josh. You know if I could change it, I’d stay with you forever.” She put her arms around him and urged his head to her shoulder.

Her gentleness broke the floodgates; once again he was sobbing. “Dammit, Mel, you’re always the strong one, the one who does the comforting—“

“No, I’m not. You’ve done you’re fair share – and I am willing to bet, in the coming weeks, you’ll have to be the strong one.” She kissed his forehead and stroked his back soothingly.

“Mel…”

“Hush, baby. Try to get some sleep.”

“I love you, Melly.”

“I love you, too, Josh.”

Lifting his head, he shifted so he could hold her. “We’ll make these some of our best memories yet. Whatever you want to do. Wherever you want to go…”

“Blue-eyes, just having you around everyday is more than perfect for me.”

Karen Chasez was stunned when she saw Melissa. The once spirited young woman looked as if the weight of the world was crushing her. Her eyes were glazed with pain; she was pale and quiet.

“I know,” JC murmured once he had tucked Melissa into bed. He rejoined his mother downstairs.

“She hardly seems like Melissa.”

“She’s dying. I was told I have her for a couple months at the most.”

“The baby?”

JC’s eyes flashed with anger towards his unborn child. Maybe if Melissa hadn’t been pregnant, she would have sought treatment earlier – maybe it could have been stopped. “I don’t care about the baby. I’m losing my wife.”

“Joshua!” Karen was shocked by her son’s vehemence

“Mom, I’m losing Mel.” Tears gathered in his eyes. “I’ve lost her once, but this time I won’t be able to get her back!”

She gathered her son in her arms as she had when he was young. She let him cry until his broken heart had no more tears.

“Josh?” Melissa called softly in bewilderment from the top of the stairs.

JC hastily wiped at his cheeks. “Yeah, baby?”

Seeing his tear ravaged face, Melissa began to cry, too. “I hate what this is doing to you. I should just die and get it over with!”

“No!” He hurried to her, crushing her to him. “Oh, God, Mel, don’t say that!”

“You could get on with your life—“

“I’m sorry I’m not handling it better, sweetness. I want to be with you every minute we have left.” He swiped at her face with his fingers. “We’ve loved each other forever…You know I’m not good at good-byes.”

Melissa leaned heavily against him.

Looking down, JC saw she was out. Scooping her up, he called to his mother, “She blacks-out.” He carried Melissa to their bedroom and laid her on the bed.

Karen entered to see her son tucking the covers around his wife. “Do we have to be concerned?”

“Only if she’s out too long.”

“This must be very difficult for both of you.”

“Mel’s been my rock. She’s been my life this past year and a half. When she got pregnant, life was perfect.” He sat beside his unconscious wife, smoothing her hair, touching her cheek. “All the successes I’ve had were that much sweeter, because she was with me. She had faith in me even when I was a shy teenager. She left me, because she thought she’d hold me back. How selfless was that? I think Mel was born old.”

“She’s not had an easy life.”

“And it didn’t make her bitter or hateful.”

“She’s a very strong, young woman.”

“I want to know why God is taking her from me. What did I do? He certainly can’t be punishing her.”

“He isn’t punishing you. Only He knows why.”

Melissa stirred, opening her eyes to find JC near. She gave him a sleepy smile. “Hi.”

He returned her smile. “Hi, baby.”

“Not a very good hostess, am I?” She looked to Karen. “I’m sorry I’m not more entertaining.”

“We’re family, Melissa. I don’t expect to be entertained.”

Melissa looked back to her husband. “I went out, huh?”

“Yeah, just for a few minutes.”

“I think I’ll go call your father,” Karen told JC, then left the room.

“I’m sorry, Josh.”

“For what? None of this is your fault.”

“I wish I could make this easier on you. I wish I knew how.”

“There is no easy way, sweetness. We’ll just muddle through it together.”

“Hold me?”

He smiled and climbed onto the bed. Putting his arms around her, he nuzzled her silky hair. “One of my favorite things to do in the whole world.”

“Josh, have you thought about names for our little girl?”

“No.” He didn’t want to think about it.

“I’d like to call her Madison – sort of a tribute to my father.”

“Madison, it is.”

“And Marie, after his mother.”

“Madison Marie then.”

“Madison Marie Chasez.” Melissa giggled.

JC grinned down at her. “What?”

“Madison Marie Chasez – MMC – Mickey Mouse Club.”

“Well, Melissa Madison Chasez…”

“I never thought of it that way.” She grinned up at him.

“You’re so beautiful when you smile.” He touched her face reverently. “You’re so beautiful…and vital…and brave…and strong…” He couldn’t bear losing her. “Melly—“ His voice broke on unshed tears.

“Shh…Baby, I’ll fight as long as I can.”

“Forever. Fight forever. I’ll do anything. I’ll quit the group. I’ll—“

“Josh, you know it can’t happen that way.”

“I keep praying that I can make a trade off with God.”

“You think I haven’t tried?”

“I’m sure you have, sweetness.”

Karen knocked on the door frame. “You ready for dinner?”

“Sure, Mom.” JC got to his feet and offered a hand to Melissa, frowning when she shook her head. “You gotta eat, Mel. You need to keep your strength up.”

“I don’t like the steps and I hate eating,” she grumbled. The stairs scared her, afraid of losing her footing. And since she hated tasting her food twice, it held no allure for her.

“I’ll carry you down, Mel,” JC coaxed.

“You gonna eat for me?” she demanded petulantly.

“No, but if you get sick, I promise to stay with you.”

She still looked mutinous.

“For Madison?”

That must have been the right approach. She didn’t look happy, but she allowed herself to be carried to the dinner table. She ate slowly and only very small amounts.

“Melissa, is there anything I could make that would be easier for you to tolerate?” Karen asked.

“I haven’t found anything. I’m sorry to be such a whiner, Mom.” Melissa pushed the baked chicken around on her plate. “You’re a wonderful cook. I’ve just kind of lost interest in eating.”

“Baby, if you don’t eat, you have to go back to the hospital for IV’s,” JC reminded her.

“I know…”

“Soups maybe?” Karen suggested.

“It isn’t the food. It’s my gag reflexes.” Melissa looked to her husband. “Josh, please, I’d like to go back to our room.”

“Sure, sweetness.” JC pushed away from the table. “Excuse us, Mom.” Gently, he lifted Melissa in his arms and carried her back to bed.

“Go back to your dinner,” Melissa told him after he adjusted the blankets.”

“Mel—“

“I’ll be okay.”

“Mel—“

“Your mother made a perfectly lovely dinner. One of us should eat with her.”

“I suppose you’re right,” he sighed.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll nap.” Melissa offered a brave smile.

“I’ll be back up in a little while.”

“Don’t hurry on my account.”

He bent to brush a kiss against her lips.

“You’re the best thing I’ve tasted in weeks,” she murmured huskily.

“You’re the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

“Now, go eat!”

JC thought his prayers might have been answered. After weeks of being half-alive, Melissa woke with little pain. It was a day he had set aside to brain-storm with the guys at Johnny’s. He hadn’t known what to do with Melissa for the time – to his surprise, she asked to accompany him.

“You’ll let me know if you get tired.” He reminded her as he helped her into the wheelchair. The chair was a precautionary measure. With black-outs and unsteady legs, it seemed prudent she not walk much. At home, he carried her, but in public she refused.

“I’ll let you know,” she promised.

“You look wonderful today.” He bent to kiss her lingeringly. “Beautiful.”

She smiled, knowing she was a mere caricature of the woman she had been. “You always look good, too, blue-eyes.”

The other members of *NSYNC lounged around their manager’s family room, studiously avoiding watching JC as he set Melissa on the sofa, then taking the seat beside her. They hadn’t seen her in quite a while and tried unsuccessfully not to look shocked by her fragile appearance. She had lost weight and the pallid tinge of her complexion spoke of the coming of death. The girl with the sparkling eyes was no longer. Their dismay was not lost on her.

“I know. I look pretty awful,” Melissa told them.

“Uh – that’s not it, Mel,” Justin assured her. “It’s you’re just so pregnant.”

“Nice lie, junior.” She smiled sadly. “Thanks for trying.”

JC put his arm around her protectively. He saw her everyday, so the changes he saw were gradual. That was the outer woman. He loved the inner woman with his whole heart.

As the conversation ebbed and flowed around her, Melissa was lulled to sleep, her head resting on her husband’s chest. Just before she went out, she felt his hand left to stroke her hair tenderly.

JC eased out from under Melissa’s sleeping form. He rearranged her more comfortably on the sofa, then joined the others in the next room.

“Damn, ‘C! I feel sorry for you and Melissa,” Justin muttered.

JC merely nodded. “And this is one of her really good days.”

“Do you know how much longer?...” Joey asked.

JC shrugged. “I’ll be really lucky if I have another month with her.”

“Damn!” Justin repeated. “I never thought of Mel as fragile.”

“Neither did I. In a sad way, I do feel like this is the first time she’s really needed me.”

“JC, take her home. We can do this another time,” Johnny said to him. Even the manager was moved by Melissa’s plight.

“Maybe we can do it at my house?” JC questioned. “I can’t really leave her alone and she refuses to let me hire a nurse.”

“Pretty soon, you’ll have no choice,” Johnny remarked.

“I know. The only thing keeping her hanging on is the baby.”

“Not true.” Lance patted his friend’s shoulder. “She is staying for you, too. Her eyes still light up when she looks at you.”

“Go on, JC,” Chris urged. “Take her home and let her rest.”

“Thanks.”

JC knelt on the carpet next to the sofa. Tenderly, he smoothed Melissa’s hair. “Baby, you wanna wake up?” he murmured softly.

Melissa opened her eyes slowly. Seeing his dear face so near, she smiled. “Hey, handsome.”

He continued touching her hair. “Ready to go home?”

“Are you done?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“I slept through all of it?”

“I guess you did.”

Gingerly, she moved to sitting position and made to rise.

“Mel, let me help!” JC surged to his feet before she could topple.

“Worrywart,” she teased. She reached up to pull his head down. Despite her weakness and fragility, she could still manage a kiss that left him breathless and starved for more. “Josh, can you do something for me?”

“Anything.”

“Take me home and make love to me.”

“Mel…” They had not made love since she had come home after being diagnosed. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Mel—“

“Love me, Josh.”

“I do, sweetness, with everything in me.”

It was a tender, sweet joining. JC was careful of his pregnant wife, though no less passionate. He hadn’t realized just how much he had missed that intimate connection with Melissa. As ill as she was, she still desired him, could still be moved to rapture with him inside her.

Afterwards, they lay on their sides, facing each other, not wanting to let go of the rare wonder of the moment. They couldn’t stop touching and kissing.

“I’m sorry, Josh.”

“About what?”

“I should have been more wife and less child.”

“I’m not understanding this conversation.”

Melissa pushed a tumble of curls off his forehead. “I haven’t been giving you what you needed as a man.”

“Baby, I’m not some Neanderthal—“

“No, you’re a very sweet, caring man – and I love you to pieces.” She smiled, her face glowing with love.

“I feel the same way about you, Melly.” He leaned forward to kiss her in that special way that had first made her melt all those years ago. When she whimpered with delight, he slid his tongue between her lips. He gave a soft groan as she sucked on it.

Melissa trailed her lips down his throat.

“Mmm…sweetness, you’re killin’ me here.” He wanted her so desperately, but surely she couldn’t want…Not again…Not so soon…”God, Mel!” he moaned when her hand caressed his hardening length.

She continued to travel downward until she took him into her mouth.

“Mel…ah, baby, that feels so good…” As much as he was swamped with pleasure, JC was mindful that it was his delicate wife making love to him. “Baby, I’m there!” he warned just before her released himself to the tide of ecstasy. “Sweetness,” he purred as she came back to cuddle against him. “That was great, Mel.”

“Better than the first time?” she asked teasingly.

He shook his head. “Nothing has ever compared to that. It was my first trip to heaven – and you sent me there.”

“You were pretty good yourself.”

“Neither of us knew what we were doing, but that made it all about the love.”

Melissa took one of his big hands and placed it on her swollen belly. “So, is she, Josh. I was so happy when I found out I was giving you a child. You were, too. We’ve made all sorts of plans for her.”

“Mel—“

“I need you to promise me that you’ll love her and care for her, Josh. I know what it’s like to grow up with only a father. If I hadn’t been the center of his world, I wouldn’t have been anyone very loveable.”

“Baby, I—“

Melissa’s eyes implored him. “Love her, Josh. She needs you to love her.”

Tears welled in his eyes. “Madison will be all I have left of you, Melly. We’ll need each other,” he told her huskily.

That statement seemed to soothe her. “Thank you, blue-eyes, I needed to hear that.”

“Josh?”

“What, baby?”

It was one of Melissa’s better days. JC had brought her down into the studio where he was working that afternoon. He had brought in an easy chair so she would be comfortable while keeping him company. He came over to her chair and sat on the arm. Looking down, he saw a slim CD jewel case in her lap.

“I made this CD as a lark a couple of years ago. I never had any intention of sending it to anyone…”

“You would’ve had people lining up to sign you.” He never did understand why she hadn’t gone into the music business with all her talent.

“I—I thought you might like to have it…”

“You were right.” He kissed her temple. “I’ll burn a ton of copies of it, so your voice won’t ever fade on me. I’ll be sure to save a copy for Madison.”

“I hope you like it.”

“I love listening to you sing. I especially love how you sing ‘Give In To Me’. It makes me melt.”

“It’s on there. Most the songs are from my jazz club days.”

Melissa was leaving this little piece of her behind. Something special and wonderful. JC was glad to have it.

She sighed wearily. “I’ll go take a nap now.” When he stopped her from rising, she was irritated.

“I’ll carry you.”

“I can walk, you know. I’m not an invalid yet,” she groused.

Okay, so he was being over-protective. It was his way of keeping her safe and hopefully alive longer. “Indulge me, sweetness. It’s the first time I’ve felt you really need me.”

“What?” This was news to her.

“You’ve always been so independent—“

“Oh, blue-eyes, of course, I need you! How could you even doubt it?” Tears spilled down her pale cheeks. “Have I been that awful?”

“No!” JC tried to kiss her tears away. “You’ve been wonderful! No guy could ask for a more perfect wife. You are giving and sweet and open and sexy and…”

Melissa’s tears would not be stopped. She sobbed uncontrollably and JC felt helpless. He should’ve remembered between her illness and her pregnancy, she was over-emotional. Finally, he lifted her in his arms to carry her to the bedroom. She buried her hot, little face against his neck, seeking comfort in that way.

“I’m a mess,” she whispered.

“You’re entitled and then some.”

He sat on the bed, holding her close, stroking her hair. He was still praying for a reprieve – even though she clearly faded a little more every day.

“Josh?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Listen to track six.”

“Any particular reason?”

“I can’t write songs like you do to express myself. When I’m gone, I want you to think of that song.”

Later, JC played the sixth track on Melissa’s CD. ‘Good-bye, My Friend’. It was a song about accepting loss. He listened and wept. Melissa was saying good-bye.