Lauren wondered if she should even be here tonight. She hesitated at JC’s door. Their last night. Would emotion get the best of her? Would she end up being a clinging, weepy mess and beg him to stay? No. No, she had to stay strong. She couldn’t change the rules of engagement just because she’d been fool enough to fall in love. He didn’t deserve that. It wasn’t his fault that he was warm, caring, and kind, that he did things for them rather than buy them things. Oh, he said he was leaving small gifts for everyone... For the most part Joshua spent time not money. Who could resist that? Especially in a man who had money. Giving money was easier than giving of himself and he never hesitated to give of himself. Taking a deep breath, steeling herself to keep biting her tongue, she turned the knob.
JC held his breath when the door knob turned. He’d have to manage to get through the night without confessing his love to Lauren. He wished Max had been right, but she had never indicated she wanted to make things more permanent. All it would take was just one word or two and he’d change his plans – Hell, he’d change the rest of his fucking life.
“Hey,” Lauren said shyly to the man sitting on the unmade bed in his bathrobe. Good. They could get right down to the sex and she would not have to think.
Extending a hand to her, JC said, “Hey, honey.”
Crossing the room, she grabbed his hand like a lifeline. She didn’t recall being this nervous their first time. Of course, the first time the house had been empty and he had made her scream... The first time, she’d been in it for the amazing sexual attraction between them... The first time, she’d only been a little bit in love...
Taking her other hand, he gently guided her to straddle his lap. He let his immediate physical reaction color the moment rather than release all the words he needed to say.
Her smile was womanly and sure. “I’d say this has distinct possibilities.”
“Uh-huh.” His answer was a wicked grin.
JC didn’t bother with sleep that night. He held Lauren close after she drifted into an exhausted sleep, memorizing the feel, the scent of her. How could she not know how he felt even if he never said the words? He sighed heavily stirring her hair – and, dammit, the way she clung to him she had to care about him too. Someone in it for sex and not intimacy would move away to sleep. Lauren was a cuddler. She snuggled – well, actually it was more like burrowing, like she couldn’t get close enough.
‘I love you. Why won’t you let me say those words?’ he demanded silently of the sleeping woman. Was it her late husband? Did she think it disloyal to want love again? Sex was okay but love forbidden?
Deep in slumber Lauren tried to push closer, which was impossible. “Mmm... Joshua...” She gave a little whimper then settled once more.
Okay, even in her sleep she knew it was him. Didn’t that mean something?
The next morning had been a little piece of hell. Breakfast had been subdued. There had been little chatter from the children – even Sam was quiet. JC hesitated to walk the kids to the bus, but Olivia had taken his hand and tugged him along. She’d clung to his neck when he’d picked her up for one last hug. Her barely audible words, “Come back” tore at his heart. CJ shaken his hand like the little man he was. Sam hadn’t said a thing, just giving JC an accusing glance as he stepped onto the bus.
At his departure, Max had shaken JC’s hand and reminded him to tell his friends about Blackwood Inn. Lauren walked JC to his SUV. They’d hugged each other for a long moment, silently saying the things they’d never actually tell each other. A soft kiss.
“Take care of yourself,” Lauren said huskily as she stepped away to allow him to open the car door, willing herself not to cry.
“You, too, honey.”
There were no good-byes.
As JC started down the long lane, he glanced at the rear-view mirror. Lauren was a lone figure against the snowy landscape and large wooden structure.
She had let him go...
And he’d gone.
His heart and mind weren’t there, JC decided as he stood in his grandparents’ living room the day before Christmas, contemplating their tree. They were back in Colorado with Lauren and the kids. He smiled to himself, even with Jasper and Barney. For once he was dreaming of a white Christmas with loads of snow, a real tree, Christmas carols in front of the fire, hot cocoa and freshly baked cookies. This year a woman and children were not abstract ‘someday’ things. They were real. A woman who was luminous and generous. A solemn boy with dark eyes who longed for a father to depend upon. Another little boy with a mischievous grin. And a beguiling little blue-eyed girl who thought dogs needed to be dressed for the holiday, too. A smile came to his face as he recalled Barney tearing through the family room trying to lose the reindeer antlers Olivia had strapped to his head. Chaos had ensued.
“I believe that is the first real smile I’ve seen since you arrived,” his grandmother broke into his reverie.
“Sorry, Nana.” JC murmured.
“Don’t be sorry.”
“I am just missing someone, well, several someones.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Christmas is for family,” he repeated the phrase he’d used in explanation for leaving Blackwood Inn’s residents.
“Family is whatever you make it. Family is where your heart is.” She patted his cheek is affectionately. “As much as I enjoy see you, boy, I’d rather know you are where you want to be — where you need to be.”
“You want me to leave?” He was incredulous.
“Go to them,” she commanded. “And someday soon, maybe, I can meet them.”
Christmas eve... He’d play hell getting back to Colorado for Christmas. But he would get there. His heart was soaring miles ahead of his body. JC hugged the small woman. “Thank you, Nana. Merry Christmas!”
“Just make sure yours is merry, Joshua.”
Lauren straightened the collar of Sam’s ‘Sunday best’ sweater. Somehow her youngest son could never manage to look ‘pulled together’ for more than five minutes. If he could only stay clean until they made it to the church she would consider it a major coup.
“I thought maybe Mister Chasez would come,” Olivia stated, a trifle melancholy. She had planned for the man to be a permanent fixture. When he’d left as intended she had been hurt and disappointed.
Lauren tried to smile but it was sort of wobbly. She’d had half-hoped Joshua would have contacted them also. She hadn’t made any demands or hints at his departure. If he wanted to stay or come back it was something he had to do on his own with no pressure from her. He’d made his choice, now she had to live with it. “It’s Christmas Eve, sweetie. He is probably with his family.”
“I thought we were his family.” Olivia’s frown deepened.
So had Lauren. “He was our guest and we liked being with him very much, but it wasn’t the same.” Obviously, not to him anyway.
“He was from California,” CJ reminded them. “He probably didn’t like the cold.”
“I for one like my season to change,” Lauren said.
“You couldn’t run a ski lodge in Los Angeles,” CJ grinned.
“That’s true.” His mother agreed.
“And I couldn’t make a snow man,” Sam added.
“No.”
“He could live here.” The solution was clear to Olivia.
“No, honey. His life is somewhere else.”
Shaking off the sombre feelings, she indicated they needed to leave for midnight mass. “Grab your coats.”