Chapter Twelve: Christina's Turn
Back in Los Angeles, Christina attempted to resume the life she had led before JC Chasez had come into it. She attended the same sort of events she always had. Sometimes she went alone – sometimes not. Male companions were chosen to be uncomplicated and unromantic. She made it clear an escort was all she wanted. She had never lacked admirers – still didn’t. On the outside, she was still the sparkling, flirtatious woman men wanted to be seen with.
On the inside, she wrestled daily, if not hourly, with the new reality of her life. She had never truly known the meaning of lonely. She had grown up fairly autonomous and had been on her own since age seventeen. She had preferred her own company. That had changed. Now no one was there to share her space. Even when he was immersed in recording, she’d known JC was ‘around’. She had no hard body to crowd against in her sleep. Her comfortable bed was suddenly too large. The house was too quiet. JC had become the background of her existence be it music, video games, or his humming. The silence drove her very nearly crazy at times. Loneliness and quiet were her new companions.
But when she felt ready to surrender, she remembered the unreasoning anger, the crushing pain and the paralyzing doubt JC had dealt her so uncaringly. She hated those emotions equally as she did the loneliness. Loving him came with some heavy baggage. She didn’t know if she could carry that load.
“It’s good to see Christina Chandler out and about and looking radiant as ever.”
JC stared down at the picture of Christina on the arm of some Hollywood heartthrob. He wasn’t jealous. It didn’t even occur to him, he knew Christina better than the gossipmonger ever would. There was something missing from her smile, a sparkle gone from her eyes. She wasn’t ‘radiant’ – she was going through the motions.
He had chosen to return to Orlando until his round of promotional appearances. It was simply easier not to be tempted to arrange a ‘chance meeting’ when an entire country separated them. He and Christina didn’t move in the same circles for the most part. Very rarely were they at the same events, but he had a good idea which ones she’d attend – and he could get himself invited…He’d be returning to California soon – and the very proximity could weaken his resolve.
The day he arrived on the coast he got a Christina update. “I’m in NYC. It’s cold.”
“L.A. isn’t exactly warm without, honey,” JC murmured to his cell phone.
“Aidan, it’s Christina. I’m in NYC. Wanna do dinner some night this week?” She left the message on the actor’s voicemail. She needed to fill her time when she wasn’t with her editor, publisher or her agent. Besides she wanted to talk to him about a project he was perfect for…
“It’s strange to hear you invite me to dinner instead of to bed,” Aidan declared after they ordered in a little restaurant he fancied. It was quiet and the high booths made for privacy.
“Disappointed?”
He gave her his roguish smile that melted female hearts every afternoon. “Some, but I’ll live.”
“Good to hear.”
Aidan reached across the table to take her hand in his. “He broke your heart, did he? I didn’t suspect him the type.”
“How do you?…” Ah, yes, Aidan had seen it before she or JC had. “I didn’t either,” she whispered.
“I’m sorry, luv.” He truly sounded unhappy for her. And he didn’t act like a wolf ready to pounce. “You realize we never became friends, Christina, because it wasn’t what you wanted.”
Her gaze jerked up to his face. His deep brown eyes held a genuine concern for her.
“I gave you what you wanted,” he told her. “But I would have given more.”
“Oh, Aidan…”
“So…you need a shoulder to cry on and I’ve got some mighty strong shoulders.”
“Thank you.”
After dinner, they discussed a coming project she wanted to involve him in.
He flipped through the book, reading a passage here and there. The hero was a strong, morally centered man who still believed in God and love even though he lived in a bleak, conquered world. ‘You want to suggest me for this guy?” he asked unbelievingly. “This is a fantastic part!”
“He is you, Aidan,” Christina mused. “Once in a while I get a face or a voice in my head when I am creating a character and it helps me bring him to life. From day one, I had you pegged for Donovan.”
“I’m flattered.”
“And since I knew what you looked like naked…” she teased. There were a few love scenes, but the nudity was also present in chapters of his capture and torture.
“Tart,” he shot back easily, making her laugh.
It was good to really feel comfortable and not alone. “Why didn’t I realize how nice you were before?” she asked wonderingly.
“You weren’t interested in anything but the todger, Christina. You made that clear the night we met and fell into bed. You didn’t want to get to know me unless it was in the biblical sense.”
“I’m sorry. I was horrible.”
“You didn’t want to be hurt. I can understand that. And you never pretended to want more. That is pretty refreshing.” He glanced at his watch. “Well, luv, I hate to cut this short, but I have an early call tomorrow.”
After paying the check, Aidan hailed a taxi and joined her for the ride to her hotel. He insisted on taking her to her room like a gentleman.
“I know this sounds trite after all we’ve been through,” Christina told him, “but I truly did have a lovely evening.”
“I am full of surprises,” he returned blithely.
“That you are.”
Aidan stepped closer, reading her indecision. “And you want me to kiss you to see how it feels.”
“Oh, yes!” she whispered. Her lashes lowered, as his rugged face grew closer.
It was a nice kiss. Warm. Tender. Sweet. And if her heart hadn’t been elsewhere, she could have easily fallen into it.
Lifting his head, he gave her a sad smile. “It’s still him.”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Then make it work, Christina, if he is willing.” Brushing his lips to her cheek, he murmured, “Good-bye, poppet.”
“Good-bye.” She watched him walk to the elevator, his broad shoulders clad in leather making him look incredibly dangerous. At the elevator, he gave her a jaunty wave as the doors closed between them.
With a sigh, she let herself into her room. Aidan had given her quite a bit to think about as she dressed for bed.
Then she placed a call to JC’s cell phone.
“JC.”
She was surprised to actually hear his voice. “Oh, hello, JC.”
“Christina! Hi, honey.” His warm welcoming voice flowed over here loneliness like a soothing balm.
“I guess I didn’t expect to catch you, but I guess I don’t know where you are.”
“L.A.”
“Oh...” Orlando was closer…
“Is this a ‘Christina update?”
She chuckled. “A what?”
“When you leave short little messages, I call them ‘Christina updates’.”
“Umm…no…I actually wanted to talk.”
“Cool, I’m all ears.”
“Not all ears.” She fell into teasing him again easily. His laugh was good to hear. “Where do I start?”
“Wherever you want. I’ve got all night.”
“It looks like my last book is going to be a cable mini-series.”
“That’s exciting for you. It was a fantastic book.”
“Thanks. Want a part in it? We could make you an android or something.”
“Are you telling me my acting ability is a bit stiff, C?” he joked.
“No…Well, now, that I think about it…”
“I’m no actor. I admit it. Music is my gig.”
“I saw you the other night. You’re getting pretty good out there on the circuit.”
“It feels right.”
“I’m glad, Jace.”
The silence that followed was awkward.
“Christina?”
“I don’t get back to L.A. until next week…”
“I’ll still be here, honey.”
“Oh…good…”
Just say it! JC wanted to scream. He heard the need in her voice.
“Umm…I had dinner with Aidan tonight.”
A knife twisted in his gut. Aidan was the one man he perceived as a threat. The other man had history that predated JC’s with her. “How is he?” He managed calmly.
”Good. He was really very sweet.”
”It’s not hard to be sweet to you.”
“He made me put things in perspective.”
JC wanted to ask what ‘things’ Aidan had helped her with. Jealousy and fear took turns clawing at his throat. “I’m glad he was there for you then.” Liar! But what right did he have to dare question her?
There was another silence before Christina took her first brave step towards reconciliation. “I need a hug,” she announced.
“You need a …” JC trailed off when he remembered his parting words. ‘Anything, a hug, an ear, a few words and I’ll be there.’ “I can grab a red eye, honey.”
“Please.”
“I’ll be there to hold you when you wake up, Christina,” he promised.
She gave him her hotel information before ringing off, saying she’d alert the desk to his arrival.
That night was the first in more than a month Christina didn’t feel the burden of loneliness and uncertainty suffocating her.
JC entered Christina’s hotel room as quietly as possible. Steping into the bathroom he slipped into his pajamas. He wanted a full reconciliation. It didn’t seem prudent to wake her buck-naked like he expected sex from the get go. If she held out and had him pay his dues, he’d do whatever she asked of him. He needed her to be in his world again. He wanted to rebuild it around her and their love, making it strong enough to last a lifetime. Carefully, he climbed into the bed with her.
He smiled when, like a heat seeking missile, she felt his presence, turned over and crowded against him. Her soft, happy sigh was music to his ears. Nuzzling her hair, he whispered, “I missed you to, babe.”
Climbing slowly up from the depths of peaceful slumber Christina realized she wasn’t alone. The warm weight of an arm was draped across her waist. Heat radiated from the hard lean body pressed along her backside. A day’s growth of beard scratched along her cheek. And the wonderfully familiar smell of Envy cologne for Men mingled with JC’s own unique scent. He’d kept his promise.
Linking her fingers with the hand resting above her stomach, she burrowed back against him.
“Morning, C,” JC drawled drowsily.
“Go back to sleep.”
”Christina—”
“I’m good. Just tighten your hold a little.”
“Gladly.” He wrapped both arms around her tightly, holding her as close as possible.
They fell back to sleep, snuggled like two spoon’s in a drawer. There would be time for talk much later.
JC woke first this time. They had shifted positions, adjusting to her need to sprawl. He was on his back with her arm across his chest and a knee wedged between his. Her head was tucked under his chin. It was almost like she wanted to prevent him from making a getaway while she slept.
“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart,” he murmured his assurance.
“You need a shave,” was the first pronouncement she made upon waking.
”Good morning to you, too, Christina.”
She sought his amused blue eyes. He still looked like he could use a few hours of solid sleep. The faint dark circles beneath his eyes were not simply from missing one nights rest. They were cumulative. Her fingers brushed the taut flesh of his cheek below his eye. “You need to rest more.”
“It’s not what you think.” He was quick to defend himself. “I haven’t’ been partying—”
Her fingertips pressed against his lips. “Shh…I know. I haven’t been sleeping all that great either.”
Taking her hand, he pressed his lips to the palm. “I’ve missed you.”
“Me, too,” she sighed, laying her head on his chest. She just wanted to hold and be held for a little while – and thankfully he seemed to understand. One of his big hands rubbed up and down her back in that way she loved, stroking her until she purred like a contented kitten. These were the moments that were easiest to miss. And oh how she had missed them!
He could lie here all day, JC decided. Just like this. Her sweet weight against him, his arms around her, needing nothing more to communicate with but unspoken thoughts.
“I have nothing going on today,” she said.
“Cool.”
“Did I call you away from anything?”
“Nothing that won’t keep.”
Christina toyed with the buttons on his pajama top, trying to gather her thoughts. What did she want to say? What did she need to say? Finally, she said, “I love you, JC, but I need to be able to trust you. Our lives, well, we’re not nine-to-five/five-days-a-week career people. In a way, that’s good. There is a flexibility most couples don’t have. But then we also are going to have to spend time apart. To put it bluntly, I am not prepared to worry about what you are doing when I am not with you.”
“I won’t cheat on you,” he stated with quiet firmness. “Believe it or not, C, I am less apt to party when I am on tour or in the studio. That happens when I’m at loose ends. I’m going to keep myself occupied. I have this round of promotional appearances, then the theater tour.” He tipped her chin up to offer a smile. “If you have the time, I’d love you to come along when you can. After that I am supposed to get together with the guys and we’ll brainstorm.” *NSYNC wasn’t supposed to be over, so he was planning to write new music for them. “And when I’m not busy with that, I’ll be wherever you are.”
“Sounds like you’ve done some thinking, too.”
“You forced me to examine my behavior. It needed to be done. I was set to self-destruct if I didn’t pull back. It was selfish of me. I was dealing with my disappointments by running from them. I needed to be running to you, talking to you. For a while there I forgot you were my biggest and most loyal fan. You’ve always given me what I’ve needed.”
“Are you sure, Jace?”
“I am sure.” JC shifted them so they lay side-by-side, able to look at each other. “Christina Louis Chandler, you are the one I want in my life forever. I had some growing up to do. I’m sorry I hurt you along the way. I’m not saying I won’t ever fuck up. I’m only human. But that is one worry you can lay to rest. I don’t need any other lover in my life. You give me all I need. I don’t see how I can ever be enough to repay you.”
“It isn’t about repayment, baby.” She traced his beautiful cheekbones. “It’s about fulfillment. You fill up all the empty spots in my life. I was a complete person without you – and I could be again if I had to – but you add to me. Life has a richer texture when you can share it.”
The lady had a beautiful way with words. Maybe some day they could write a song together.
“JC?”
“Yeah, honey?”
“Do I get my ring back?”
Grinning, he bounded from the bed. The ring was in his coat pocket. Once back in bed, he eagerly placed it back where it belonged.
“And…umm…Jace?
He chuckled. “Yeah, C?”
”Can I have a morning kiss now?” As his smiling face came closer, she murmured, “I’m kinda bossy…”
Just before his mouth closed over hers he said softly, “I know. It’s cool.”